The yellow-sided, black-topped Royal Monaco was thought extinct until scattered reports came in from the Bigfoot areas of Western Pennsylvania. Local folks claim to have spotted a retired clergyman behind the wheel. The body of the beast is so long you can't see the hood ornament from the rear bumper on a foggy morning. Its black interior looks younger than your baby pictures. The front and rear bench seats can hold six Sumo wrestlers and a gecko without squishing anyone. Some regions of the vast trunk have never been explored. The current owner is the second Presbyterian minister to keep this car in his garage. Neither of them allowed smoking, drinking, cursing or gambling in the vehicle. Neither revved up the 8 cylinder 360 engine for a drag race.
The monster has seven tires. Four are Goodyear Regatta all-weather whitewall radials, one is a spare, and two are ancient, rarely-used, mounted, deep-tread snow tires. The AM/FM radio works. The cruise control works. The original analog dash clock stopped decades ago, but the Radio Shack digital stick-on keeps wonderful time. Rust is visible here and there, bubbling at the margins. The battery is good. Within the past twenty thousand miles, trained technicians replaced both front brake calipers, the radiator, the catalytic converter, the muffler and other parts of the exhaust system. The Pennsylvania State Inspection is good through June of 2016.
The car looks nice, smells good and runs well for the most part, but there is no point pretending it is in showroom condition. Brace yourself for reconditioning if you plan to win a prize at a classic car cruise. The first reverend caught the side mirror on his garage three decades ago and nobody ever repaired the cracks around its base. Sometimes the starter makes you nervous by failing on the first attempt, but does fine on the second or third try. Oil and transmission fluid need to be replenished from time to time. A faint 87-octane odor persists for a short while when you turn the engine off. The central armrest on the front seat irritates the preacher by popping forward when he pushes it back.
The air conditioning has required a handful of recharges since converting to R-134A refrigerant in 1999. The two most recent were this afternoon and the year 2012. Right now it blows so icy cold a polar bear offered to drive the Sumu wrestlers around. One hubcap looks different than the others. If you want the fourth original, search the tall weeds along Plank Road. The headlamp covers don't close completely and sometimes refuse to close at all. Some paint blemishes have received amateur touch-ups. Others just sit there waiting for you. Some flakes of paint peeled away from the bondo in the car wash a few days ago. Overall the paint would look pretty good to the near-sighted referee who overturned Troy Polamalu's interception of Peyton Manning's pass in the playoffs a few years ago. Hey, the Steelers won anyway, so this car might be just what you are looking for.
The interior looks very nice. The exterior is eye-catching despite the imperfections noted above. The engine and transmission have been performing up to snuff in weekly or biweekly trips as recently as now.
Please contact me only to schedule a test drive in Hermitage, Pennsylvania:
* Not to ask if the car is still for sale
* Not to ask if I will take less money for it
* Not to ask for more pictures
* Not to ask if I will ship it somewhere without meeting you
* Not to ask if you can take the car before your check clears the bank
* Not to chat
Thank you for respecting my schedule. My name is Tom, the preacher's kid. If you drive the car, like it and pay for it, you will meet my Dad at a Notary Public in New Castle, PA to take ownership.